Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
