just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
