So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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