You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
