I'm going to jail i love you
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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