I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
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