Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
