This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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