the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Randomize
