im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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