My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
