Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
