Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
