So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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