You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
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