I CAN MOONWALK!
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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