Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
