and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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