I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
