Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
