im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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