My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
sick fucks of a feather flock together
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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