I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
