I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I am spending my child support on dildos
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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