Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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