I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
