So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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