True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize