I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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