As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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