i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
