you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
