my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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