dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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