i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
