butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
