I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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