Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize