you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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