Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize