Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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