I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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