i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
