Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
