I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
