that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
