we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
