Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
