On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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