1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
