I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize