Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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