rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
