my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
