haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
