i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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