So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
