Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
