I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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