I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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