Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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