Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
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