i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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